Remorse and Convalescence
by Nonsensical Smile
Summary: Post Celes. He could feel it, even if they couldn't see it; the gaping wound that his magic had torn into him, and he could feel it widening. Kurogane/Fai.
1. Chasing the Lies

Chasing the Lies

_*Spoiler warning from chapter 159 onwards!*_

* * *

For one sickening moment, he could hear the voices rising and falling around him as he drew a shuddering breath. He let the stranger beside him hold him against them, support his slight weight as he trembled with the pain that consumed him.

Then he was again lurching forwards, silken garment rustling as blood spilled from his lips and between his fingers as he heaved, choking as a gasped breath bubbled in his throat. Blood flecked the pristine white of his clothes, his hair, his lips. His chest shook with suppressed coughs, and he gave a wavering moan, sinking back against the healer who held him, his blood-stained hair draping over his face like a curtain as his fever glazed eye slipped closed.

He could feel it, even if they couldn't see it; the gaping wound that his magic had torn into him, and he could feel it widening. Someone murmured to him as he was lifted gently from the floor, but he didn't have the strength to respond, to lie, and so let his head flop limply back as he was carried to his room.

* * *

As he woke, Fai's single blue eye opened, focusing slowly on the high ceiling. The pain that filled his lungs had died down to nothing more than a dull throb, as it was wont to do so soon after an attack. He carefully sat up and drew his knees up against his chest, not caring as the loosened obi allowed the neckline of his white and blue kimono to slip down his shoulder, revealing his flawless, pale skin. It is not as if he had company. No, that was something he had purposefully removed himself from since their arrival.

This place would have been beautiful if the circumstances were different. Even as he looked around the room, he could see why a place like this could have such a draw. The wooden panels lined with translucent paper, the half moon designs, the chimes that he could hear just outside the wide-open window.

Even the night sky, jet-black yet scattered with the bright pinpoints of stars that shone with an intensity no other worlds held, and the soft, pale light cast by the moon could be considered a thing of beauty.

But how could he think of such things?

Kurogane was at the very threshold of death, and the only one to blame was himself. He brushed his soft hair to the side and out of his eye, letting his hand rest over his face as a humorless smile graced his lips. It had been nearly a week since they had plunged into this world, this strange, beautiful world, and since then Kurogane had not moved, not stirred, not even once.

Every day was wasted as he lingered, waiting for the far too familiar pangs of agony to again claim his mind, or for Kurogane to either awaken or fall into death's cold grasp. Which ever came first.

The sound of shifting silk seemed to resonate in the almost eerily quiet air as Fai slowly rose from his position on the floor, walking quietly over to the window and leaning against the sill, letting his arms rest against the frame and his sleeves drape over into the outside, waving in the soft, cool, breeze. There had been so much blood. He slowly turned his hand through the air, experimentally flexing his fingers. It had been everywhere. On his hands, his clothes, the ground, soaking into the grass and coating every color like some crimson blanket.

Then he leant over Kurogane, shook him, and felt his hand slip over the shoulder, the stump of an arm, and then there was only more blood; blood that just kept coming.

He had barely been able to think. His entire vision had simply turned to the red, to the blood that was flowing so freely. It didn't even matter why, or where from, just that is _was_. He had wanted nothing more than to dive down, bite into the source, feel it running over his parched, dry lips, ease the raging burn that had gripped his throat. Fai had nearly done just that. But the screaming, the yells as the dark-haired woman rushed to the source of the blood and the hollow feeling of horror that swelled within him had stopped him, even if he wasn't aware of why.

He had managed somehow to reign himself in. He didn't know how, but he had done it, and since then he had kept as far away from Kurogane as he could abide. Kurogane was already so far gone, it would only take a small push to destroy the small recovery he had made, and Fai would not allow that to be his fault. He could not allow it.

The ninja had sacrificed his arm and received Fai and a slim chance of survival in return, and Fai could not forgive that. He could not forgive the man who had now forced him to live twice, the man who made him endure a life based on another's suffering, the man who had slowly tightened the stranglehold of life around him. He could not forgive the man he loved.

It had to stay that way, because if he let himself forgive him, if he let the lies between them fall away, he would be plunged into a world in which he knew not a thing.

And if Kurogane sought only to abuse the weaknesses he knew would be so brutally visible, then the last fragments of himself that he had salvaged would break, and he would be no more. Kurogane had nearly died to save his meaningless life, and all without knowing that it was possible that it would be ended very shortly in any case.

The link between a mage and the magic source was not something that could be easily explained, but at that one mistake he had made by drawing on reserves of the burning, white-hot power that he no longer held, he had felt for one whole, jolting second the agony as it spilled out and encompassed him. He had broken it, and in return, it was breaking him. That had been the first of the attacks that plagued him, that left him weak and shaking, that rid him of blood that he so desperately needed in light of Kurogane's condition.

He raised his head and turned slightly when the door behind him slid open, and he set his cold, level gaze on Tomoyo. She smiled softly as she always did when addressing him, as she did with every action, and he found himself wondering how many lies she concealed behind such an easy action_. It used to be so easy_. His fingers touched his cheek, and he suddenly remembered her presence, eye darting up and hand lowering.

The lie of her smile widened with a soft quality his own always lacked, and she spoke. "He is beginning to wake." Her crystal voice cut through the thick, heavy air and her eyes met his. "He will want to see you." She added. Fai felt himself nodding slowly. She smiled again in that sickly sweet way that fooled everyone but him, another master of smiles, and he followed as she walked silently down the luxurious hallway to Kurogane's room.

Each soft footstep took him closer to the one he was trying to avoid, yet he could not deny the wash of emotions at hearing that he was awake, even if they paled beside his growing despair.

* * *

"Sorry to have made you wait. Please, come inside."

He slid his fingers into the door and pulled it open, immediately walking forwards, face blank yet mouth turned down into a soft frown as he advanced on the wounded warrior. Then he stopped dead in his tracks, and let his hair hide his face. He didn't know what to do. Kurogane had seen him clinging desperately to his twin, trying to shield Ashura even as Kurogane pressed forward with blade in hand, had seen the tears rolling down his cheeks. Had then displayed that he was willing to risk his very life just to save Fai from the death he deserved. He hated him. Hated him, but loved him, and now he was lost.

"Hey" Before Kurogane could get any further; he clenched his fist and punched Kurogane in the head with all the force he could muster. The ninja grunted in surprise as he fell back, and raised his only hand to his head, looking up in unmasked shock.

"I've returned the favor… Kuro-Sama."He heard himself say, and for the first time since Kurogane's blood passed his lips, his face twisted into one of the most realistic smirks he had ever worn as the nickname reached Kurogane. Maybe it was real.

"I'll kick your ass, you bastard." Came the predictable response as the man grinned, and Fai's heart froze that little bit more.

Kurogane was alive, Kurogane was breathing, Kurogane was healing, and most of all, he was smiling. The very idea of watching that smile turn slowly into concern, into dread, was something he would not allow. So he stuck with the façade, the lies that were far more advanced, far more believable than the weak smile he used to use. This had to work.

It was only when he left the room, and heard the door click closed behind him that the pain struck him again, seemingly out of nowhere. He careened to the side, clutching his chest as he felt the tear within him pull, widen. He raised a hand to his mouth and felt adrenaline soar through him.

Fai ran. He had just managed to stagger through the door to one of the multiple gardens when he sank to the floor, clutching at the timber pillar for support as blood once again rose in his throat. When it was finally over, he painstakingly rose, hunched ever so slightly, uneven breaths coming in small gasps as tears blurred his vision. He rose a trembling hand to wipe his mouth.

He couldn't tell anyone what was happening. He couldn't. They were relying on him as part of their group, as one of them, and nobody could know that his attempt to free them from the crumbling world of Celes was killing him, day by day.

Kurogane especially did not need to know of this, of the failure of his sacrifice, and Fai was going to make sure he didn't, even if it killed him.

* * *

**A/N: **Yes, it' small, yes it's a ramble, yes, it is rather pointless but I put it up anyway. I didn't like that they left the 'Fai appears to be coughing up half of his circulatory system' thing alone with only the explanation of 'my magic isn't enough' so I did this... thingy...

Gimmie a review if you bothered to read it! You came this far, may as well tell me how to improve! :3


	2. The Hand That Feeds

The Hand That Feeds

_*Spoilers for chapters 159 onwards!*_

* * *

As they crossed the bridge to the palace, Fai couldn't help but speculate on the faultless scenery, even if it turned his thoughts to the bitter cold world he had lived, the world that he couldn't save. Nihon was so very different from Celes. Where there would have been treacherous peaks of ice and snow, there were sculptured green mountains. In place of the rare dead trees, scraggly and with limbs that reached in vain for the sun, there were large, wide trees, the like of which he had never before seen.

The Sakura trees, they called them here. It was fitting then, that this tree with its perfectly shaped blossoms and such strong spiritual energies, was the current guardian of their very own Sakura.

This tree stood adjacent to the palace, in one of the more luscious gardens. Sakura's soulless body rested safely in the hold of folds of white and pink silks that interlaced through branches. Syaoran sat on a nearby bough, watching over his unconscious princess. He had barely moved from her side since they arrived, hoping against hope that maybe she would open her eyes, smile, anything but the soft breathing and pulse that her body maintained, actions that did not require a soul.

The tree would do nothing but offer a small amount of protection over her absent spirit. That was all, but the simple idea that maybe she would not survive this ordeal was one that Syaoran had instantly rejected.

"_I know the chances. But still, I cannot just watch her die, not if there's something we can do… anything…"_

Anguish echoed in the back of his mind and he looked down to his hands, holding them palm up before him. If he were really dying, if this really would not just go away, what would he tell them? How would they react? Would Kurogane even care? He had sacrificed his arm for him, his sword; the last relic from his family, but there was something that was eating into Fai's confidence.

Kurogane was there when his lungs had for the first time filled with blood, was watching when the red liquid trickled from the corner of his mouth, but all he had done was demand to know what had happened, demand to know what Fai had done wrong, why it hadn't worked; why he had failed.

Not once had he asked if he was okay. He had tried to reason with himself, brush aside the slowly growing feeling of abandonment, but every time he tried, Kurogane did something to reinforce those feelings.

He never tried to talk to him anymore. Both times the ninja had indirectly admitted that he didn't want him to die, he had been either about to let go of his weak grasp on life, or, in that heart-wrenching moment on the cliff, about to run himself through. Kurogane was always there to stop him, tell him he was an idiot, that they didn't all want him dead, but only in those times. Yet in the moments when he was wavering on the brink of falling, all Kurogane did was ignore him, push him aside, even turn his back on him.

There had been a moment last night, when Tomoyo had left them both in the room to talk, when he had come dangerously close to admitting to what was happening to him. He had been unable to bear the weight of Kurogane's intent stare, and had looked sharply away.

The words had been right there, right there and so ready to be spoken. It would be such a relief for someone he trusted, even if it was one-sided, to know; to share the implications, but he just could not do it.

The words had died on his lips, sentenced by his smile.

Kurogane stopped walking, and he too drew to a halt, drawn from his reverie. As Kurogane and Fai seemed in better health – although Fai's illness was one Tomoyo knew of, the vampire had made her swear that it would not leave her lips – she had brought them this morning to see Amaterasu, Tomoyo's older sister and Empress of Nihon.

"I welcome the guests that you have brought." Amaterasu spoke clearly as her calm gaze traveled from Kurogane to Fai. "Also, I invite you to rest here a while, though your journey is far from complete." The vampire met her gaze unflinchingly, although at her words something within him recoiled. Formalities over, Fai slipped away and left the small group of polite conversers; nobody would miss just another smile.

* * *

So much had happened in one day.

"_I'm not giving the witch anything for this, you know." Kurogane said with a scowl, aimed directly at the grinning Fuuma. "I agreed to pay this price while you were asleep" Fai smiled softly, and Kurogane's glare immediately shifted to him, but the ninja did not object, and Fai's heart squeezed mercilessly as he sacrificed the remainder of his magic to Kurogane without even a nod of thanks._

_He had removed the color from his eyes, and had softly explained the blue crystal In front of him. The only one to say anything was Mokona, but he just smiled. "I won't die just from not having this. My vampire blood will keep me alive. Handing over my own life in exchange for something… I would never do that. Not anymore." He looked over at Kurogane, willing a smile to his lips, but the ever-stoic man did nothing but grunt._

They were walking in complete silence. It had the potential to be a comfortable one, and perhaps it was for Kurogane, but for him, every footfall rang in his ears. Maybe the respective differences in the silence had something to do with the fact that, even with the distance between them, Fai could hear the man's heart pumping, could hear the very blood rushing through his veins. He could _taste_ it, and that was definitely not a good conversation starter.

He saw Kurogane's lips move, and realized that the blood that lay just out of reach, flowing beneath the ninja's skin, had distracted him to the point that he was no longer walking. He shook his head slowly and let his gaze drop to the floor as he swept past Kurogane, fingers of one hand brushing up to cover his face. His attempted escape, however, was short-lived.

His arm was wrenched back, not roughly, but firmly, and Kurogane kept this hold as he moved forwards so they stood side-by-side. He didn't look down, and in response, Fai did not look up, nor did he fight against the grip the man had on his arm. "Don't you think this is wearing thin?" The ninja asked eventually, and without even planning on it, a bitter smirk crept over Fai's face.

"Sorry, Kuro-sama?" As soon as the mockingly bright words hit the air, he knew he had made a mistake. The grip on his arm tightened, and, not wanting to lose this battle of wills, he fought back a wince. His sardonic grin only grew in strength as he became more distressed, and thankfully at this moment Kurogane violently released his arm, snorting in disdain and striding away.

* * *

He retreated to his room, not sparing Kurogane a single glance. Just going out and trying to talk to people as if nothing was wrong was more draining than it should have been, and his hands were trembling by the time he shut the door behind him. He sank down against the wall, head in hands as tears he had been fighting back for the past two hours trickled down his cheeks, glistening softly against his pale skin.

Every word hurt, every smile _hurt_. It would have been better if he had stayed in Celes, stayed in the dying world and simply sent Kurogane away. He should have known, should have realized that he would not be able to save everyone. Why he had still tried, he couldn't say, but looking back on it now he could see why Kurogane's brow had drawn only in anger when the spell had lashed back out at him.

Now he was dying anyway, and to make matters worse, it was getting harder and harder by the minute to hold onto his composure and not crumble. He was weak. He was a good liar. When these two traits were combined in a situation like this, his weaknesses sang out in triumph.

Fai bowed his head and let his hair fall over his face, taking a slow breath to steady himself. He had months, if not weeks left, and all he could do was lie and hope that maybe, when he died and failed everyone yet again, they would forgive him. It was better than them knowing. Far better.

The relentless burning in his throat became infuriatingly noticeable, and the vampire slowly rose from the floor, fingers running through his hair as he crossed the room to the door. He had to see Kurogane. Even if he didn't trust himself to talk, he needed blood; and the only thing he hated more than admitting so was being overtaken by the instinctual need to feed.

White-hot pain tore suddenly through his chest, and Fai's lips parted in a soft cry of pain. He doubled over and crashed into the wall, hands clutching at the thin fabric of the kimono as his eyes squeezed closed, trying to force it back, and begging for it to pass. It only intensified, and he dropped to his knees, one hand on the wall for support as the liquid forced its way up his throat, the agony that seemed to be ripping into his insides consuming him.

When the pain subsided, it did so all at once, and he was left hunched over on the floor, shuddering and panting for air, sweat beading on his skin. One knock sounded at the door, and adrenaline spiked in his system as the last voice he wanted to hear sounded through the thin door. "Hey, mage." _Kurogane._

He staggered upright and his eyes tore around the room. Blood. He couldn't hide the blood. There were flecks of red on his collar, in his hair, on the walls, and shining on the floor. He took a sharp, panicked breath and he grabbed the closest thing he could find to him, a spare sheet, and bundled it up, hastily wiping at the bloodstains.

"Hey!" The muffled voice called again, impatient now.

"Wait." He called out, hating himself as his weak voice shook with panic. He ran his hands frantically through his soft hair to remove the small but telltale spots of blood, and wiped his hands on the bloodied sheet before tossing it into the corner.

Just in time. The door slid open, and he spun around, eyes wide and breath catching in his throat.

* * *

Kurogane stood still in the doorway for a moment, just watching. The concern that had flared when he heard the damn mage's plea for him to wait, if anything had become more pronounced; though, his face was still schooled to blank.

Fai looked a mess. He had seen the mage hurt before, dying even, but he had never looked quite like this. This, he realized, was panic. The blonde's frail chest was heaving for air, and his hair was damp with sweat, sticking out at odd angles and his skin was sickly pale, and stood out horribly against the stark blue of his kimono.

There was a spot of blood in the corner of his mouth as if he had bitten through his lip and when he raised his eyes to fix his gaze on the blonde, Fai, in an unconscious gesture of anxiety, grasped the front of his kimono with one hand.

For another moment, he just stared, silently assessing the wreck of a man. There were definite reasons that the blonde man could end up in a state like this, and he was well aware, maybe more so than Fai thought, of how much their latest journey would have affected the vampire, but in his eyes, that just didn't seem enough. Then again, it was also true that the last time Fai had actually fed from him had been far longer ago than it should have been in any right.

Something didn't add up though, and the way the blonde didn't seem able to meet his eyes and looked almost to be in the throes of panic didn't sit well with him.

He took a step forwards, and Fai took a step back, an oddly pitiable smile forming on his lips, entire body tensed as if to run. "You're thirsty." He said, not attempting to soften his voice. He felt that making his voice soft, lessening his glare, would destroy the last hold Fai had of his fractured charade. He knew that Fai would break if that happened, and he could only watch and mask his worry as the vampire struggled to maintain the lies.

Why should he set out to ruin the man's desperate attempts at coping? It was all that Fai had left, and he would be damned if he took that away from him.

Fai nodded slowly, watching the floor, and Kurogane closed the sliding door behind him, stepping forwards and pulling up his sleeve, the cold metal arm glinting in the sunlight that filtered through the window as it pulled up the sleeve of his other arm.

He saw the flicker of hesitation cross Fai's face, saw the sudden guilt in his amber eye, and left no room for argument. He watched without expression as the blood from the dagger wound started to slide down his arm, and within mere seconds, the vampire had stepped in close, taken his arm within his smooth hands, and brought the wound to his lips.

It hurt every time, the feeling of the blonde drawing blood from his veins as they throbbed, and yet, just like every time, the awareness of the lips against his skin sent shivers down his spine. It was just an odd sensation, he decided. He fixed his eyes on a spider on the ceiling, watching the welcome distraction neutrally as it loomed over the insect ensnared in its web.

The ninja's frown tightened as Fai seemed to bite in deeper, and he looked down and saw a dribble of blood patter to the floor as it overflowed from Fai's lips. He raised his eyes once more to the beams spanning the width of the roof, trying to ignore it. Fai needed this, and, as it was his responsibility for forcing the thin blonde to live such a life, he was not going to stop him, not yet.

It didn't take long, however, until he could feel each of his heartbeats pounding in his head, and was suddenly uncomfortably aware of just how long Fai had been drinking. The vampire stood just before him, but his grip on Kurogane's arm was stronger, his pallor normal, and the dangerous rate that he was gulping down the blood that was flowing freely from the gash had not lessened at all.

Kurogane's head was starting to feel light; far too light, and he took a shaky step back, swallowing as his back met the wall. Then he was sinking down it. Fai moved down with him, crouching over him, one hand grasping the bleeding arm in an iron grip as the other held the ninja's opposing shoulder, preventing him from moving.

He took a shaky breath, and let his eyes close as his head swam. "Enough." He managed, but his voice was small, and did not startle the vampire, who didn't even seem to have heard him. "Fai." He breathed, artificial arm rising and clutching loosely at the back of Fai's kimono, slowly welling panic forming in the pit of his stomach as another wave of dizziness hit him.

He could feel his awareness slipping hazardously, and pitched the remainder of his energy into one last order, one last order that only sounded as a bare whisper.

"_Enough!"_

On the ceiling, the spider began to eat.

* * *

A/N: I'll admit, that was far more ramble-ish than I'd have liked… And I'm not sure if I like it, or if it was good enough, but I'm off to get me some money, so I might as well put it up. Tell me what you think! :3


	3. Losing My Mind

Losing My Mind

Time seemed to fly forwards. Someones hands were gripping at him, yells roaring in his ears, the very air seeming to split with their terror, horror. He looked around frantically, blood coloring his vision, running from under his fingers, dripping from his nails and the corner of his mouth as the person once more pulled him back. Then there was pain. His hands relinquished their grasp, and he crashed backwards as shadowy figures filled the room.

The haze only worsened as rage soared within him, and he fought back against the faceless beings holding him back and restraining him from exactly what he was trying to reach.

The intoxicating scent of blood filled the air, sent his instincts spiraling into oblivion. He struggled free and was about to lurch back to the source of the precious liquid, but then pure agony was clenching in his chest and he sank to the floor with a cry, under the weight of the pain, the fear, and the hands that pulled him back. He coughed violently as he sagged in the arms of the man who had pulled him away.

He could barely hear what they were saying, but he could feel someone pinning him down, and then exclaiming in horror as he choked on the blood that was rising in his throat. Through the blurred images, he could just make out Tomoyo and another woman bending over a blood-soaked figure…

_Kurogane_.

Anxiety flashed over his features and he struggled to rise, only managing to aggravate the attack. He collapsed back onto the floor, not trying to fight as the hands that had been holding him down turned him onto his side. Then everything went black.

* * *

Fai buried his face in his hands, hair drifting softly as his shoulders trembled in a suppressed sob. Kurogane lay on the futon that he was sitting beside, metal arm by his side with his real arm heavily bandaged and folded over his chest. He had been clothed in a stark white kimono, and that alongside Kurogane's black hair only served to accentuate just how unnaturally pale the ninja was.

_What have I done?_

He slowly lifted his head from his hands to look over the weakened man and wrapped his arms around his knees, drawing them close against his thin chest. A single tear clung to his eyelashes and threatened to fall, and he lifted an unsteady hand to brush it away.

Kurogane's soft breaths had been so dangerously shallow and irregular when they first let him in, and he had listened carefully to each precious one, not reassured in the slightest by the strength that they had gained in the past few hours.

It was morning now, but the events of the night before were as fresh in his mind as if they had only just taken place. It had taken three guards to fight him down, and if it had not been for the attack he had suffered Kurogane may well have been in a far worse state than he had been when they finally got to him. This was not even the kind of indirect harm he had always been faced with causing the others; Sakura and Syaoran, and especially Kurogane.

This was a matter of him physically attacking Kurogane and nearly killing him. He had been but seconds away from bleeding to death. That was it, just seconds.

And once again, he was still alive, strill breathing, even though he deserved nothing more than death after what he had done. How many more times would he hurt them? How many more times would he hurt Kurogane? Would he turn on them again, as he had now with both Sakura, the girl he almost considered a daughter who he had injured so mindlessly, and Kurogane, the man who had changed everything and still...? Would he lift a blade to Syaoran next? Was that all he was good for, hurting those close to him?

The soft sound of shifting material caught his attention, and his gaze snapped back to Kurogane, face a picture of unmasked misery. The man's blood-red eyes opened, and, after a moment of confusion, Fai saw the flash of remembrance in the red depths, and he quickly looked away to spare himself from seeing the disgust that he was certain would now be spreading over Kurogane's face. Those alluring red eyes would be trained on him, and the glare of utter hatred that he had seen before would be there for him. He did not want to see what he knew would be there, and so looked down to his knees.

They stayed silent for a while, and then Kurogane started to sit up. Fai shook his head and moved to stop him, placing a hand on his chest to gently push him back down, but Kurogane easily brushed him off and sat up, crossing his legs. Fai swallowed roughly, fighting back the tears that threatened and forced up a twisted semblance of a smile. It fell from his face as soon as he met Kurogane's eyes, and he slowly dropped his head back into his hands.

"I'm sorry." He whispered at length, voice wavering piteously as it pushed back the silence of the room. "I…"  
"You did nothing." Kurogane said, his voice as controlled and casual as always. He loosely crossed his arms.

He shook his head slowly, bits of his blonde hair falling free from the black ribbon that had been holding it back and spilling over his face as he lifted a hand to his cheek.

"I nearly…"  
"It's not your fault, idiot."

Kurogane said, there was none of his normal humor in his voice, instead, he just watched Fai with that carefully serious gaze. Fai felt a rush of bitter anger, and the feeling was so foreign and unexpected that it completely took him off guard. His hands formed fists and he slowly moved to rise from the floor, but something stopped him. He looked down to see Kurogane's artificial hand close gently over his arm.

Looking up at Kurogane, Fai felt something inside him twist, and he had to fight to keep his face blank. The dappled sunlight that filtered in through the window was illuminating the room, reflecting off the whites of Kurogane'sclothing and the sheets that had pooled around his waist, catching on the cold metal of Kurogane's arm. The man's kimono hung loose until it reached his middle, baring his chest, and his eyes had not moved away from Fai once, not judging, not hard, but with a tenderness that forced him to look away.

Kurogane released Fai's arm once it was clear that he was not moving. Fai slowly relaxed but could not bring himself to look at him, just looking to the floor, eyes closed as he listened to each of Kurogane's strong, sure breaths.

"Why did you need so much so soon?"

The words were not lined with anger, but with something he couldn't remember hearing from Kurogane before, and Fai looked up, single eye wide and pained confusion clearly visible on his every feature. Kurogane's hand lifted to brush Fai'shair out of his eyes, and then the vampire drew back, empty smile curving his lips as he stood up. Kurogane folded his hands in his lap and did nothing but watch as Fai slipped back into the cold shadow of himself that he had been retreating into since Celes.

Fai didn't look back and walked outside, sliding the door closed behind him. His back touched the wall beside the door and he covered his face with his hands as silent sobs wracked his body.

* * *

"There is nothing to gain by rushing your stay."

Tomoyo said, lacing her fingers underneath her chin and looking over the table to Kurogane and Syaoran, the image of logical patience in the whirl of frenzied panic. "Sakura, for the moment, is safe, and her state shall not change as of yet, but you all need more time to recover." She said softly, eyes shifting slowly to Fai, who smiled disarmingly. Syaoran nodded but looked away, back in the direction of the soulless body of Sakura, Fai realized with no small amount of guilt.

He remained silent as Kurogane agreed to lengthen their stay. He had nothing to add. Either he would die here, or he would die in some other strange, cold world. He wondered if it might be better if he never left here, if he just stayed behind when they made their plans to jump to the next world. He looked up when Tomoyo stood up, and rose from his own chair, smile firmly in place.

"Kurogane, if I might have a word with you?" She asked, reaching out a delicate hand to touch the ninja'sgood shoulder. The man nodded, as Fai knew he would, and then they were walking away.

Fai followed. Of course, he followed. She had not looked away from him once through the entire discussion, and he was forced to wonder if she had planned to tell Kurogane the secret that was meant to stay between them, one of the many things he wanted Kuroganeto never know, even though so many things had been stolen from him at Celes.

"_You have made your choice… And this was the result! You must take the responsibility onto yourself. That is your curse!"_

"_Fai!"_

He stepped down the hallways, treading silently on the timber floor and drew to a stop beside the door that led to Kurogane's room. He could hear them inside, but the relief he initially felt upon hearing one of her musical laughs lasted only moments. He could hear Kurogane's voice clearly through the thin walls, and he froze, wretched disappointment slowly etching over his face as he realized what it was he was overhearing.

"…Besides, no matter where you are, I always know. You and only you."

Kurogane was renewing his vows to his princess, and as Fai listened from the other side of the wall, the man he loved swore that he would always return to her side. He knew that the man was loyal to her, was true to his oaths, but this was yet another cold wall between him and the man. Another wall the he would not attempt to break through, and that Kurogane would never admit existed.

He smiled softly and walked away, one hand tracing along the timber frames of the walls. He had no intention to eavesdrop any further. Hearing the truth was just too painful.

* * *

The next morning, he found Kurogane in the training grounds. Although the stoic man refused to speak it, Fai could tell instantly that the arm was causing him more trouble than the ninja had first expected. He could see it in the way the man was standing, the shift of his centralbalance every time he swung the katana.

It would take some time for him to become used to it, Fai knew it as well as Kurogane did, but it pained him to see the man so frustrated with his inability to retrieve his formerly honed skills.

For a while he just watched Kurogane and the other fighters train. He sat on the edge of a small wall that framed yet another simplistic but elegant garden, hands on the wall and head high. The breeze occasionally picked up a few locks of his lengthening hair, making them drift over his face, but he made no move to tuck them back.

The kimono he wore today had caused a smirk of amusement from Kurogane. He had just smiled and joked along with him as always, as he would have before, feigning ignorance to the fact that yes, it was a woman's kimono. The male versions of the kimonos here all seemed to have been made favouring Kurogane's build. They were all far too big for his thin frame, and so wearing the ones that fit had been the natural thing to do, even though it still caught a raised eyebrow here and there.

He smiled listlessly as he rested his chin on the palm of his hand, letting his eyes follow Kurogane. He was already regaining a little confidence in his movements, and it was showing in the way that his opposition were beginning to swap to the defensive as Kurogane performed the deadly dance that seemed to come as natural to him as breathing. The fingers of the hand that cupped his chin reached up to touch the lowest edge of his eye patch, and his smile faltered.

At least Kurogane's disablity would not forever change him. He would become used to the difference in balance, to the weight, and then he would adjust. He would always be able to adjust. Hadn't he always preferred to work alone anyway?

No, his death would not cause the man an inconvenience.

"Feels pretty damn weird but… this ain't half bad." Kurogane admitted, looking over the short distance to where Fai sat, sheathing his katana and stepping from the ring. He heard himself speak as if he were listening to another, the strange lilt in his voice and the nickname that he nearly had to force from his lips. Of course, the reaction that his reference to Kurogane as a puppy learning it's first tricks was the same as always; the grunt of irritation, the glare as he demanded for him to shut it.

He should never have baited him, Fai thought, forcing his lips to twist into a smile, as he looked to the slowly advancing Kurogane, katanaheld loosely by his side. It was a senseless thing to have done, he didn't have the engery for another mock-fight. He was always too fast for the ninja, and today would be no different. Although there was something about succeeding in ruffling Kurogane's feathers that reminded him of before he accidentally let his walls down; and it almost made his smile genuine.

The extra quirk to his fictitious smirk seemed to be that extra little push, and then Kurogane was running at him.

Nimbly dodging out of Kurogane's reach as the sheathed blade swung down towards him, Fai wondered once more, why he had ever begun these pointless taunts towards the man. The ninja grunted in irritation as the over swing made him stumble and Fai smirked. _Oh, that's why._

Each time Kurogane lashed out for him, he slipped out of the way, even managing to trip Kurogane up on one dodge, but then Kurogane's temper began to get the better of him, and Fai was forced to back away, lifting his arms and smiling as he yielded.

Both of them were surprised when Kurogane misjudged his balance, courtesy of the arm, and continued forwards. He crashed into Fai, knocking him to the ground in a swirl of silken fabric. Fai's breath left him in a rush as his head collided with the floor, and Kurogane only just caught himself before he landed squarely on top of his companion, arms either side of Fai.

Fai grinned teasingly from underneath him and he and he quickly moved away. Fai laughed as he sat up and looked as if he were about to burst into teasing him when he flinched, pain flashing across those beautiful features as a pale hand shot up to clutch the fabric over his thin chest.

Kurogane's eyebrows furrowed in concern, and he reached out too hold Fai's shoulder in case he fell, the blonde still seemed to be in the grasp of pain, delicate face drawn. All of a sudden the expression vanished to be replaced with fear. He moved forwards and opened his mouth to speak but before he could do anything else, Fai had shoved him away, leapt up to his feet and bolted off in the other direction.

After a moment's confusion, he let his katana clatter to the floor and ran after him.

Fai had only just rounded the first corner of the temple near the training grounds before he dropped to his knees. He knew what was happening, and he knew that it would only last for a moment, but the knowledge did nothing to hold the pain at bay. It took hold of him quickly as it always did, and he clutched his chest as he coughed, breath catching and choking as the thick red liquid filled his throat and spattered onto the lush grass. It felt like his lungs were ripping.

Another bout of the violent coughs cut off his panicked sobs, and soon his arms refused to hold him up any longer. He dropped to the floor and curled up, trembling hands grasping the bloodstained fabric of his kimono, panting for air between each expulsion of blood. Slowly, the pain seemed to ebb away, and he struggled up, swaying weakly and reaching out to the wall for support. Blood had dripped down from the corner of his mouth to his neck and onto the neckline of the pale kimono, and was also in his hair, on his hands.

He dashed a hand over his brow and left a smudge of blood as he took an unsteady step forwards.

Kurogane would follow him. He had to get away before Kurogane saw the blood.

It was too late. He turned his head just in time to see the stronger man come sprinting around the corner, to see him freeze in his steps. "Fai…" Tears blurred his vision as panic constricted his chest. This couldn't be happening. Kurogane was never meant to know, he couldn't know.

With a desperate shake of his head, causing bloodied blonde hair to fly up into his face, he turned on his heel and ran.

Fai only managed to take a couple of steps before his entire body was gripped once more with the relentless agony. "No!" The single word left his lips in nothing more than a faint whispper. He staggered forwards, breaths coming in ragged gasps as he tried to force himself to keep moving. The pain defied his desperate pleas and built at an alarming rate. Fai sank to his knees with one hand grasping at the wall, fingers jerking over the timber as he heaved, more blood spilling from his lips as the wall between him and the unrefined power gaped ever wider.

Darkness crept in on his vision and he collapsed in a heap as the pain retreated once more.

Fai didn't know how much time passed while he fought to cling to consciousness. He felt so horribly weak, and when he heard the distant sound of someone yelling and he tried to cringe away, he found that he could barely move his fingers. He only vaguely felt Kurogane pulling him into their arms, and he lay there, not moving, barely breathing.

Then the entire world lurched, and his body jolted with each distant thud.

His vision blurred and his lips parted in a wordless moan as the world swam. He heard Kurogane's voice above him, felt the man cradle him closer to his chest, and then he was sinking into the nothingness.

* * *

**A/N:** There it is, a long overdue little chapter. Not as good as I had hoped... but it's better than nothing right? :) Give me a review, tell me what you think! I hope it wasn't that horrible!

Nice big thanks to these wonderful people in no apparent order! Soundless life, PeanutButer, Sky Child, Bob Da Peach, Emeraldgeminideathboar, Jiaqianyin, Mimi, Alguien22792, Megalomaniac, OriginalMimiKthxbai and Micro Chibi Baka-San!

So many reviews... I really hope this chapter was okay! *hides* Thank you all so much for reviewing! It's so exciting! :3


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